If you and your partner both have an anxious attachment style, you probably know the relationship rollercoaster all too well. You both want closeness and connection, yet those same needs can sometimes lead to worry, insecurity, and even misunderstandings. The truth is, while being in a relationship where both people have anxious attachment styles has its challenges, it’s not a dealbreaker. With the right tools, a little understanding, and plenty of communication, you can actually build a strong and healthy partnership.
In this article, we’re diving into what happens when two people with anxious attachment styles get together. We’ll cover the unique strengths of this dynamic, the common struggles, and some practical tips to help you both feel secure, connected, and understood.
Can Two People with Anxious Attachment Styles Work in a Relationship?
The short answer is yes, but it comes with a learning curve. When both partners have anxious attachment, they often want the same things—closeness, reassurance, and a sense of security. But ironically, those shared needs can lead to a cycle of worry and over-dependence if left unchecked.
One of the biggest hurdles is that both partners might struggle with feeling secure on their own. For example, if one person feels anxious or distant, the other might immediately sense it, which could amplify both people’s insecurities. Instead of calming each other, both partners might fuel each other’s worries, especially if neither has developed strong self-soothing habits.
But here’s the good news: knowing you’re both wired this way can be a huge advantage. When both of you understand that your need for reassurance is part of your attachment style, it’s easier to avoid taking things personally. Rather than feeling threatened or misunderstood, you can approach these moments with empathy. Instead of assuming “they don’t care about me,” you might realize, “They’re feeling insecure just like I am right now.” This awareness is the first step toward turning potential challenges into opportunities for growth together.
Key Challenges of a Relationship with 2 Anxious Attachment Styles
When two people with anxious attachment styles are together, certain patterns and challenges often arise. Recognizing these common issues can help you and your partner manage them more effectively and find ways to work through them. Let’s take a look at some of the biggest challenges you might face:
1. Constant Need for Reassurance
In a relationship where both people are anxiously attached, there’s often a high demand for reassurance. You both may feel a strong need for frequent affirmations of love and commitment, which can sometimes lead to an endless cycle of seeking and giving reassurance. While it’s natural to want your partner’s support, relying on it too much can create stress and even strain the relationship.
2. Fear of Abandonment Leading to Conflict
With anxious attachment, the fear of abandonment is common. If either of you senses distance—whether physical or emotional—it can trigger insecurity and even lead to conflict. This fear can make small issues feel bigger than they are, turning misunderstandings into arguments. Sometimes, both partners may react defensively, escalating tension rather than resolving it.
3. Communication Breakdowns and Over-Analysis
Anxiously attached individuals tend to analyze their partner’s words, actions, and even silences. When both partners do this, communication can quickly get tangled. One person’s silence or short response might lead the other to worry, leading to overthinking and misinterpretations. Instead of calming each other, both of you might end up spiraling into anxiety, which can create unnecessary misunderstandings.
4. Struggling to Be Independent
Being in a relationship where both people have anxious attachment can sometimes lead to a reliance on each other for emotional regulation. This can make it challenging to spend time apart or feel secure without constant connection. Independence might feel uncomfortable or even frightening, which can lead to feeling “stuck” in a cycle of needing to be around each other for reassurance.
These challenges are real, but they’re not insurmountable. The key to navigating these issues is awareness, empathy, and a willingness to work together to create a sense of security and independence. Recognizing these patterns in your relationship is a positive step toward building strategies that help you both feel more secure.
Practical Strategies for Navigating a Relationship with 2 Anxious Attachment Styles
Now that you’re familiar with some of the common challenges, let’s focus on solutions. While anxious attachment can create difficulties, it also offers opportunities to build a deeply supportive and empathetic relationship. Here are some practical strategies to help both you and your partner create a more secure, balanced connection:
Building Secure Attachment Together
- Practice Consistent Communication: Set regular times to check in with each other about how you’re feeling, both about yourselves and your relationship. These conversations can be as simple as a daily “How are we doing?” This regular reassurance can help ease anxiety, as you both know there’s a safe space for expressing concerns without waiting for things to build up.
- Use Reassurance as a Tool, Not a Crutch: Reassurance is healthy in moderation. Try to balance giving each other positive affirmations with finding ways to build confidence independently. For example, make a habit of reminding yourself of your worth outside the relationship, so you feel secure without needing constant validation.
Setting Boundaries in an Anxious Relationship
- Define Personal Time and Space: Both of you may feel an urge to be connected constantly, but setting boundaries around alone time can be incredibly beneficial. Agree on time for independent activities, whether it’s a hobby, spending time with friends, or just some quiet personal space. Reassure each other that needing space doesn’t mean lack of love—rather, it’s about fostering a healthy balance.
- Encourage Self-Soothing Practices: Anxiously attached people often rely on their partner to calm them down, which can add pressure to the relationship. Learning self-soothing techniques, like deep breathing, journaling, or grounding exercises, can help reduce the urge to turn to your partner every time anxiety flares up. This helps both of you feel more in control and reduces the chance of “emotional overload.”
Managing Conflict and Avoiding Triggers
- Recognize and Name Triggers Together: Take time to discuss what triggers each of you. For instance, maybe one of you feels anxious if messages aren’t answered quickly, while the other feels triggered by perceived criticism. By identifying these triggers together, you can work on avoiding or responding to them in healthier ways, giving each other the benefit of the doubt rather than reacting defensively.
- Pause Before Reacting: When conflicts arise, both of you may be tempted to immediately address your worries, which can sometimes escalate a small issue. Try taking a moment to pause, breathe, and reflect before responding. If needed, agree on a “time-out” approach for heated situations, where you each take a few minutes alone before continuing the conversation calmly.
Strengthening the Positive: Building Security and Joy
- Celebrate Small Wins: Relationships with anxious attachment styles can sometimes focus heavily on worries and insecurities. To counterbalance this, celebrate your relationship’s small successes—whether it’s managing a conflict well, respecting each other’s boundaries, or just sharing a meaningful moment. Acknowledging these positive experiences helps reinforce feelings of security.
- Create Rituals of Connection: Establishing rituals, like a weekly date night or morning coffee together, can provide a reliable, comforting routine. These small acts help remind you both of the stability and commitment you share, which can go a long way in reducing anxiety.
These strategies aren’t about “fixing” yourselves or changing who you are; instead, they’re about finding ways to make your relationship a supportive, understanding environment for both of you. By working together to create security, you’ll build a foundation that’s stronger than any individual anxieties.
When to Seek Help ?
Sometimes, despite your best efforts, navigating a relationship with two anxious attachment styles can feel overwhelming. If you and your partner find yourselves stuck in recurring patterns of conflict, anxiety, or miscommunication that you can’t seem to resolve on your own, it might be time to consider seeking professional support. Therapy can be incredibly beneficial in helping both of you understand and manage your attachment styles more effectively.
Signs That Therapy Might Be Beneficial
- Recurring Conflicts That Don’t Resolve: If you notice that the same arguments or issues keep popping up, even with your best efforts to communicate, therapy can help you uncover the root causes of these patterns.
- Difficulty Regulating Emotions Independently: If either or both of you are struggling with self-soothing and find yourselves overly dependent on each other to manage emotional lows, therapy can help you develop healthier coping skills.
- Unresolved Childhood or Past Relationship Issues: Often, anxious attachment stems from early life experiences. Working with a therapist can help you process any unresolved issues that may still be impacting your relationship.
FAQs about Relationships with 2 Anxious Attachment Styles
Here are some of the most common questions that come up—and helpful answers to guide you on your journey.
Can two anxious attachment styles thrive in a long-term relationship?
Yes, absolutely! Two people with anxious attachment styles can absolutely have a successful, long-term relationship. The key is learning to recognize and manage the attachment-driven behaviors that may create challenges. By practicing open communication, setting healthy boundaries, and building independence, both partners can work toward a secure and balanced partnership.
How can I help my partner feel more secure in our relationship?
One of the most effective ways to help your partner feel secure is through consistency and reassurance. Make it a habit to check in with each other regularly, share affirmations, and maintain routines that reinforce your commitment. However, it’s also essential to encourage each other to build self-confidence and self-soothing skills, so that each of you can handle anxieties independently when needed.
How do we avoid conflict when we both have anxious attachment styles?
Conflict is natural in any relationship, but with two anxious partners, it can be helpful to practice mindful communication. This means taking a moment to calm down before responding during a disagreement, using “I” statements (like “I feel” rather than “You always”), and validating each other’s feelings. Creating space for each partner to share without judgment can help avoid escalation and build trust.
Conclusion: Embracing the Journey with Two Anxious Attachment Styles
By recognizing the specific dynamics that anxious attachment brings, you can work together to build a relationship that’s secure, supportive, and fulfilling.
Remember, it’s all about balance. Leaning on each other for reassurance is natural, but learning to support yourselves independently will only strengthen your bond. Embrace the process of learning and growing together—every step you take toward self-awareness and healthier habits is a step toward a more stable, satisfying relationship.
The journey may not always be easy, but with patience, understanding, and dedication, two anxious partners can absolutely thrive together. So take it one day at a time, celebrate your progress, and remember that every effort you make brings you closer to the kind of relationship you both deserve.
Sources
- “Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love” by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller“
- Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love” by Dr. Sue Johnson“
- Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner’s Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship” by Stan Tatkin
- The Gottman Institute (www.gottman.com)
- Psychology Today: Articles on Anxious Attachment and Relationships (www.psychologytoday.com)
- Verywell Mind: Resources on Attachment Styles (www.verywellmind.com)
- National Institute of Mental Health (www.nimh.nih.gov)
- American Psychological Association (www.apa.org)
- Dr. Diane Poole Heller’s work on Attachment Theory (www.dianepooleheller.com)
